Undecided...

It's been awhile since I've actually written anything outside of papers for class and articles for the Daily News. Honestly, I really haven't been motivated to do those either. 

I'm not exactly sure where I lost my drive. Maybe it was the 12 days I spent in the hospital this March, making it a total of 33 days in the past 14 months...not counting ER visits. Maybe, it was hearing about the Chicago Sun Times and Chicago Tribune declaring bankruptcy while the New York Times Co. was seriously considering closing the Boston Globe. 

It could have been when I was talking to Ryan about our future and realizing that if I stayed in journalism, our life together, and his career may be put on hold - because of me. Though, in all reality, the moment that really sticks out in my mind is when I was forcing Ryan to look through my old pictures of the preschool class I taught and realizing that memories of a job had never resulted in such an uncontrollable smile. 

Here's my scenario - I'm 21 years old, due to health issues and lack of drive I'm still a first semester junior...maybe. I've found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I'm over writing pointless papers, filling out scan-tron sheets and getting drunken text messages at 2 a.m. I want to move on. I want, as many cliche loving college students do, to see the world. I want to settle down, get a job and continue with my life. My problem - I have no idea what I want my life to be. 

Here's what I do know - I'm a good news writer when I want to be. Conducting interviews with former war heroes, reigning beauty queens and redneck comedians bring my brain close to the point of spontaneous combustion because of the amount of questions that immediately come to it. If you interview a person correctly, you can learn more about them in 20 minutes then many can learn about them in a lifetime. It's not just about getting the story, it's about getting to the very pit of their emotions, asking the questions that don't have an immediate answer and giving yourself chills because you know you got a quote that will make people shiver. 

On the opposite side of the spectrum, I know that I love children. One of the most rewarding experiences I've ever had was seeing a totally out of control child do a complete 180 under my care. I've never had greater joy in a job than the day I woke up crying, drove to work trying my hardest to keep my mascara from smearing, took deep breaths as I walked into the building and started beaming the second eight three year olds came running to the door nearly knocking me down with their embraces. 

I never thought that sitting in front of 14 squirming toddlers singing out of pitch would give me such a heart warming, cliche "fuzzy feeling". Seeing the sheer joy on their faces when I sang a new song, read a new book or taught them that "caliente" is the Spanish word for "hot" made me beam with pride. Even more rewarding was when a parent told me at pick-up time that their child was asking for me while at home, or that they were singing "Mr. Sun" and doing the motions I taught them because "Miss Kelly sings this with us at school to make the sun come out." 

I think my biggest stress is knowing that journalism makes my brain almost combust with thought, while teaching does the same for my heart - and I don't know which is more important.  

If I go with my brain, I know that it will continually be stretched as I put the fascinating stories of people, places and things into written words. The questions I ask and the articles I write will be seen by people from a town, a city or if I'm lucky, the nation. The experiences, will, in a way become my own because of the detail I pull out of the one I am interviewing. By continuing in journalism, I have the potential opportunity to climb everest, win an election or become an A-list actress, not through literal experiences, but through listening to the individual's story so intently that I can picture every moment. The part I can't get over, is that by making it my own, I can give that gift to my readers as well. 

Then, there's my heart. I've heard all my life that the heart is the organ to go with. If someone loses all brain function, scientifically they are still alive. But, if someone's heart stops, there's no going back. While teaching, I know that I can touch the lives of preschoolers, if only for a couple months. I know that with children that young, they won't remember me for long once they leave. I actually know this from experience - about four months after I left for Ball State I went back to visit my former class, and only a few of them remembered who I was. Honestly, I was surprised that even that many remembered me. But, I know for six months, those kids loved me. They were excited to see me every day, they loved hearing my stories, singing the songs I taught them and playing "beauty parlor" while waiting for their parents to pick them up. 

I know that when the parents asked me to babysit, the kids would be ecstatic to see me, encouraging their parents to leave so they could spend more time with "Ms. Kelly." Parents would tell me how much their kids talked about me, how excited they were about what they learned, and how much they appreciated the time I spent with them. Those are things that I cherish, and I don't think it would ever get old. 

As summer approaches, I'm realizing that I have to make a decision. I can't go another semester not knowing what I want to do with my life. Who knows? Maybe I'll just drop out and open a little diner. Or maybe I'll just be in school forever. Regardless, I know that God has a plan for me and that sooner or later I'll know what it is. Until then, I will continue to write blogs and spending too much time looking at facebook and perezhilton... 

What Makes My World Go Round

"I get by with a little help from my friends." 

"No, I didn't get a thing done but I sure soaked up every minute of the memories we were makin' I count it all as time well wasted." 

I love my friends, and I love my life. The past month has been one of the most amazing I have ever experienced. I was so worried that after being gone for six months, things would have changed. Instead, I feel like I'm better friends with most people than when I left. I love that I get to see the same people every day. I love that we have a great time just sitting around on the porch. I love that we can have intense conversations no matter what state of mind we're in. I really am a lucky girl. 

To make things even better, I have met some pretty amazing people since I've been back. I have to admit, one of my favorite things in the world is getting to know new people. I love those first conversations, especially when they end up lasting for hours until one person realizes how insanely late it is. I think that's part of why I love journalism so much - it gives me the chance to get to know people...even though it's only for a brief time. 

I honestly wish I could express how much I love all of the people in my life. My friends are the kinds of people who can take the worst day in the world and turn it into a great time. Not many people are lucky enough to have a whole group of people that can do that. As a result, here's a little something I wrote for the wonderful people in my life. Enjoy. 

To stupid decisions

To helping each other through

To birthday parties with close friends

To listening to each other vent

To sitting around the hooka for hours

To making sure everyone gets home

To drunken nights

And unbearable mornings

To stories told countless times

To dancing 

To singing at the top of our lungs

To concerts 

To camping 

To sitting by the pool

To taking way to many pictures 

To cornhole 

To amazing days that turn into extraordinary nights

To being random

To sarcasm

To not being afraid to laugh at ourselves 

Here's to being irresponsible while we still can

Because in college, it's not about being grown up

We go to class

We get our work done

And we make amazing memories in between 

This is the time to have fun, to let loose

It's the one chance we get to really find ourselves

The friends we meet here will last a lifetime

And the memories will live on forever 

I love you guys

<3 

"You have four years to be irresponsible here. Relax. Work is for people with jobs. You'll never remember class time, but you'll remember time you wasted hanging out with your friends. So, stay out late. Go out on a Tuesday when you have a paper due Wednesday. Spend money you don't have. Drink 'til sunrise. The work never ends, but college does..." - Tom Petty 

Cleaning up my act

I screwed up. Bad. I hurt the two people who mean the world to me. The only two people who have been there for me through EVERYTHING. I disrespected them, and I wrote something that, though I didn't mean for it to be taken seriously, was taken in the worst way possible. That is completely my fault. I don't think about things. I write whatever is on my mind, which many times involves swearing, and forget that the majority of people take those words in a way very different than I do. I now realize clearer than ever that not everyone has the same mindset as me. Unfortunately, it's too late. I have already hurt my parents more than I ever have in the past, and I would do anything to take it back. Lately, I have been immature, irresponsible, disrespectful, and overall a terrible daughter. I have blown my money when my parents begged me not to, I haven't done a single favor that they have asked me to and 3 a.m. calls telling them I'm not coming home until morning have become more and more frequent. 

I screwed up. 

I really don't know why I have been acting the way that I have. I mean, yes...I do believe that a large part of college is having fun, which many times includes alcohol. But, I don't want to hurt people in the process. My parents have given me everything. They have gone above and beyond when most parents would have just given up. My parents LOVE me, and I haven't done anything to show them how much I care. I haven't even given them a single ounce of respect. So, that nagging I talked about in my last post was most definitely deserved. 

Even though I feel worse than I ever have, I know that it is my fault. I am also glad that it happened. No, I didn't want to hurt anyone...but I needed a wake up call. Seeing my parent's tears when they told me that they've read what I wrote about them was a huge slap in the face...and I don't mean an insulting slap...I'm talking about a wake up and see what you're doing slap. I needed that. 

What I really don't understand is how, after everything I have put them through, they still love me. Not only that, they are still going out of their way to try and fix my mistakes. They told me today that they were both planning on taking second jobs so that I wouldn't have to work two jobs while in school to make up for my spending over the summer. I don't deserve that. I deserve to be kicked out of the house and forced to get by on my own...but my parents love me too much. I really have no idea how I got so lucky. 

So, after getting this much needed wake up call, I have decided that I need to make some changes. Here is what I have so far:

Start showing respect

This is definitely the first thing I need to start with. I have been so rude and hurtful and it all stems from disrespect. I know that I have been this way towards friends too - some more than others, and for that I am sorry. I don't know why acted the way that I did, and I would do anything to take it back. But, since I can't, all I can do is try to get better. 

Spend less money

I have never had good spending habits. Now, at 20 years old, I am in debt and causing my parents insane amounts of stress because I've been too selfish to get control and handle it myself. It's time for me to grow up, and I know it. 

Swear less

I know that I have an insanely dirty mouth, and I'm sure it has offended many people. I am so sorry if you were one of them. I don't really know where I picked up the habit, but I know I need to stop. Though I doubt I will stop swearing all together, I do want to cut out at least 90% of it. Today, my dad pointed out that in my previous posts, I swore so much that it overshadowed the writing, and that if I were to have taken out all of the F-bombs and other various offensive words, it would actually be pretty good. I thought about going back and changing what I wrote, deleting the things that were hurtful and editing every post, but decided to leave it. I want those to be there as a reminder of who I used to be, of how I hurt people and something for me to look at if I start to go back. 

Drink less

No, I really don't drink very much anymore. But, I know that when I go back to Muncie, the situation will probably be different. I don't want to go back to who I was freshman year - which is where I was heading. Yes, I will still go out. Yes, I will still drink. But I want to be smart about it and I don't want to get totally wasted and do things I end up regretting. It's not worth it. So for those of you at Ball State...don't worry - I'll still be at the parties with a drink in hand, but I plan on taking easy, and on being there only because I love you guys rather than going because I love you guys AND I want to get trashed. 

Set a better example

My little brother is going to be starting his freshman year at Southern Indiana soon and I am praying that he is smarter than I am. I have set an awful example for him, and because of that I'm pretty sure I've lost his respect. Honestly though, I think that's a good thing. If he did respect me, he would want to do the things I was doing. He would look up to me, and follow my example. That is the last thing I want. I have made some very poor decisions with my life the past few years, and I just pray that he has a better head on his shoulders than I did. From now on, I want to set an example that I can be proud of. I want to feel comfortable with myself and my decisions rather than feeling guilty or knowing that I was hurting someone else. I want to stop doing things that I feel like I have to hide from people. I'm tired of being ashamed. 

I think that's a pretty good start. I'm sure I will have more to add, but I'm hoping that these changes will help make me a better daughter, friend, sister and overall a better person. 

To those I have hurt, both friends and family - I am truly sorry. Though I have said it a billion times before, I want to change. I do however, know that I will need your help. If any of you see me doing the things that I have said I want to stop, please don't be afraid to say something. Also, if I do or have done anything to hurt, offend, or annoy you. Please tell me. I can't get better if I don't know what I am doing wrong, and, honestly, half the time I don't even know when I'm upsetting someone. I really do want to get better, but I need all the help I can get. 

I also want you all to know that I love you. Even though I rarely show it, and even though I don't deserve love in return, I honestly don't know where I would be without the people in my life. So please, forgive me for hurting you. Forgive me for making countless mistakes, and believe that this time it's for real. I'm tired of being the person that hurts those around her. I want to show everyone in my life the love and compassion that my parents show to me. I want, more than anything, to be more like them. They are strong in their faith, they love those around them, they are hard working and more in love than any couple I have ever seen. Even though I have done nothing to show it, I have so much respect for them, and I hope that one day I can be half the parent, teacher, spouse and friend that they are. 

I screwed up...but I am sorry. And I am going to try harder than ever to make things right. 

I get by with a little help from my friends

This week sucks. Really, it does. It started getting bad when I went to the doctor on Wednesday for a check-up that turned out to be a cancer screening because apparently I'm high risk and they found cells that are screwed up...or something. Fuck. To make things better, my parents have been on my ass all week about everything. God I'm ready to be back in Muncie. Living at home sucks. Ok, so after the cancer news I decided to go chill with some friends to get my mind off things. It was working pretty damn well until my best friend called to say she'd been avoiding me for the past 2 weeks because she was pissed off about a bunch of little things that she had let build up. Fuckin' fantastic. Fortunately, that got resolved and the night ended pretty well. 

So on to Thursday I am getting ready to go to dinner with Allie and then chill in Noblesville when I realize I haven't gotten a text from my friend Jeremy in awhile, which is strange since I usually get them on a semi-regular basis. So, I go on facebook to say hi and break down when his entire wall is covered in posts saying how much he'll be missed and to rest in peace. I come to find out that on Monday, he got in a car accident and died on the scene. I'm still dealing with that one. I can't bring myself to delete his number from my phone...but every time I see it I just freeze and stare at it. I really don't know to deal with it all. He lives in PA, so I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye. Then again, I guess no one did. 

This part is for Jeremy, may he rest in peace. 

You lit up the room every time you stepped in

With your bottle of wild turkey, you could always win. 

You would cry out "let's pound some beers!" 

Then laugh until you were close to tears. 

Those times here on earth may be through

But I hope that up there, the beer is still flowin for you. 

We miss you, Jeremy, with all our hearts

But I know that this is just the start. 

We'll see you again some day

And until then, I'll be looking your way 

RIP Naylor. 

I'd like to say my week got better, but it really didn't. Thursday night I ended up pretty drunk and did some things I regret. I'm pretty sure I probably said some things I would regret too if I could remember what they were. But whatever, shit happens. Unfortunately, this made for a pretty awkward 4th of July. Fabulous. So instead of just chillin with friends and blowing shit up, I'm trying to figure out what the hell happened. Ended up staying there, things were normal for like an hour, and then it was back to the weird awkwardness. Fuck that. So, I'm pretty sure I won't be hanging out with those people any time soon - which sucks. I hate shit like that. Why the fuck can't people grow up, say exactly what's wrong no matter how hurtful it may be, and then get over it. Seriously?? Problems would be solved so much easier if people would just be blunt and get it over with. But whatever. Shit happens. Hopefully one day it will be cool again. If not, there were some good times. 

On the bright side - I did get to drink and blow shit up for the 4th. So that made things a little better. I'm also (hopefully) going to see one of my favorite people tonight, which would rock. 

Alright, I should get ready to babysit. I apologize for the depressing content of this post, and would like to make it up by ending it with a quick look at some of the most retarded things I have ever heard before in my life...and my responses:

1) "I wanna get hiiiiiiigh" - Dude, you're already fucking high. You're so high that you FORGOT you were high. How about you save you're money, and wait until you're not high to say that you wanna get high. Fucking tool. 

2) "I know he's not a good guy...but I love him" Ok...he hits you, treats you like shit, is probably cheating on you...and you love him. Um, you're a dumb bitch. 

3) "It's ok...I was drunk" Hahaha fuuuuck that! Yeah, I've done some stupid ass shit when I was drunk, some of which I regret. But hey, shit happens. Just please, don't use being drunk to justify you're mistakes. Laugh about them - yes. Take it like a man when you're friends make fun of you - yes. But don't use alcohol as your excuse to be a dumbass. 

Yeah I know...not very funny. Whatever, fuck you. I tried, didn't I? Hopefully I'll have a better, less depressing rant sometime in the next few days. If not, no one reads this thing anyway so it doesn't matter. Ha. 

Alright...in conclusion...

Fuck...

- assholes

- drama

- awkwardness

- death

- cancer

- obnoxious parents

- living at home

- gas prices

Fin. 

Screw boys and their stupid boy penises...and I DON'T mean in the good way...

So, I've been observing lately. Yes, observing...and thinking. And even though right now I am perfectly content being single and really have no desire to be in a relationship, I couldn't help but think about some of the qualities that I look for in guys...both good and bad - along with some rules I've come up with for myself. And hey, since journalism is my thing, I decided to write about it! Thrilling, yes? So here we go...

1. Must be interested in sports - especially football

I know...a weird thing to come from a chick, right? But seriously, I am such a guy when it comes to sports. If you know me, you know that I love my Indianapolis Colts through thick and thin...and that I can probably kick your ass in trivia. I don't miss a game, and when I watch, I tend to yell obscenities and occasionally throw things. Though the Colts are my first love, I also follow the Cubs, and, thanks to my ex, am a fan of Purdue sports. 

So yeah, that last part kind of sounded like a dating profile. Freakin A. But basically my point here is that even though I think like a guy when it comes to sports, I dont want to fucking be dating someone who wants to watch a movie or go do something when the game is on. Because hey, I am the fucking girl in the relationship, and I don't want to feel like my boyfriend is a bitch. If I wanted that, I'd be a lesbo. 

2. Avoid frat boys

Now, don't get me wrong, I know that not ALL frat guys are bad, but the majority are the typical stereotype. I've always known that frat guys aren't usually the best boyfriends, so when my ex decided to join one, I was a bit nervous. And what do ya know...he's my ex now. HA! So yeah...frat boys = too in love with their "brothers" and alcohol to put any effort into a relationship. Until someone proves me wrong, this is how I will feel. Close minded? Probably. But whatevah, whatevah, I do what I want! So fuck you! 

3. Must be at least willing to listen to country...but preferably enjoy it. 

Yes, I like country. A lot. Hell, this will be my third year going to see Kenny Chesney, and the only reason I'm not seeing anyone else in that genre is because I'm a broke ass college student. Now, if I'm willing to surprise my boyfriend and take him to see one of his favorite metal bands, he should be willing to go see Rascal Flatts or Brad Paisley or Kenny Chesney or whatever with me. I think that's reasonable, right? Besides, country boys are hot. 

4. I like smart boys. 

Yeah, I've dated my share of dumbasses. TRUST ME. Hell, my parents had to explain to my first "serious" boyfriend what circumcision was....and he was freaking 18  years old at the time!! Granted...this was the same one who asked if I thought Bill Polian was rich. Fucking tard. And if you don't know who Polian is, please...don't ever talk to me. I've also dated my share of guys that aren't going to school, or are in school but are "undecided," or even better, have picked a major simply because it's easy and gives them more time to drink. Why did I date these guys you ask? Well, fuck if I know! But I'm most definitely avoiding them from now on. 

I want to find someone who has picked a solid major and knows what they want to do with it. Granted, I'm not even 100% sure what I want to do, but I'm trying like hell to figure that out so I can still graduate in a reasonable time. So please, get your shit together. I'm not saying guys should have their whole lives figured out...but they should at least be putting some effort into it. Seriously. 

5. Fucking talk! 

I'm pretty sure that most of my friends would describe me as a talkative, outgoing person. So, I need to be with someone who can hold a fucking conversation. Seriously, after a good 5 minutes of only getting "yeah" or "cool" as a response, I start to feel like a retard trying to have a conversation with a recording. Ok, stop and picture that for a second...it gave me a good chuckle. Anyway, I understand that some people are just quiet. That's fine. I just wouldn't be able to date one of them. Haha. 

6. Don't be fucking serious all the time

I am someone who is rarely serious. I like to act retarded and get weird stares. Life is just more fun when you stop caring about what other people think. I used to be worried about people thinking that I was weird or stupid...but now, I've decided that as long as they don't think I'm a bad person, life is good. But if someone thinks that I'm a bad person, that means I've probably done something to deserve that opinion, which basically means I fucked up. So, let loose, be silly, make weird noises and quote youtube poop in public. Speaking of...I'm so hungry I could eat cum. Hahahaha!! 

7. Must enjoy drinking...though not necessarily drinking heavily. 

I'm a college student. I'm about to turn 21. Well, the turning 21 part doesn't really mean anything, since I tend to find alcohol regardless...but whatever. My point is, I want to enjoy my time in school. I like going to parties, and I like my alcohol. Granted, I generally don't get shit faced drunk anymore, it's still fun to hang out and have a few. The guy that I'm dating must also be aware and comfortable with the fact that I can probably out-drink him, and if so, I will make endless jokes about it. So grow some fucking balls. 

8. Must give a shit. 

Seriously, this seems like a given, right? But I've dated guys who really didn't care how my day went or if I was upset about something. I am a girl, which means I can occasionally get emotional. Therefore, I need someone to listen to me so I can just get it off of my chest and move on. This is where the boyfriend should come in. My thought is, since my roommates deal with me bitching about the boyfriend, the boyfriend should have to deal with me bitching about everything else. That's fair, right? 

9. Avoid cheap ass guys. 

Ok, so here's how I feel about the money situation...it should be EQUAL. Or, at least close to it. I think that girls are fucking selfish and retarded when they think the guy should pay for EVERYTHING. I mean seriously...he's probably in college too...which mean's he's probably near broke to begin with. If he pays for everything, he'll just end up completely broke within a couple months, which means the chick will end up getting upset because either a) she's paying for everything or b) he can't afford to take her anywhere. Stupid bitches. So, I say the best solution is for things to be relatively equal. I know, fucking genius, right? But here's my issue...I tend to find guys who hear this little theory of mine and think "cool! That means I don't have to pay for shit!" Alright dumbass, not what I said. Seriously. 

10. Be fucking truthful! 

Yeah, yeah, I know...everyone lies sometimes. But seriously, the one thing that drives me insane and that really pisses me off is when I get lied to. I am someone who tries my best to be as truthful as possible at all times - and I think I do a pretty damn good job of it! So please, return the favor. 

Ok, that's all for now. Though I'm not necessarily looking for ALL of those qualities, I think that they are pretty reasonable. Then again, I could be totally wrong...but since I'm not looking for anyone right now anyway...it doesn't fucking matter. Whatever. I'm tired. 

Squadalah! I am off! 

Customer Service Can Kiss My Ass

Holy mother of god people are stupid. I took my iPod in to be fixed a week or two ago and I FINALLY got it back today. Since it hadn't been working for at least 6 months, I was pretty excited about getting it back. So I went into the store, happier than a fat kid who just finished off a whole chocolate cake, and told the guy I was there to pick up my iPod. After asking me to repeat myself at least twice, he gave me a confused look and went over to the computer, where he began talking to himself. After staring at the computer for at least 5 minutes he called over to the other guy working and said "Hey! If it says we've called them once, does that mean it's in?" 

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! No sir, they called me to tell me that it WASN'T ready. Why the fuck else would they call me?! Ugh. So then the guy goes to the back, comes out, looks at me like a retard watching teletubbies, and goes to the back again. 

When he finally comes back out, he hands me the iPod and as I look at it, I realize that it looks like it was fixed by a demon cat. This thing had more scratches on it than a guy after fucking that chick up there. WHAT THE HELL?! 

When I made a subtle comment on how it had been damaged the guy just looked at me like I was a fucking alien and without saying anything, began working on the computer and talking to himself again. GREAT. 

So I stood there, waiting for this douche bag to figure out how to print a fucking receipt and ignoring my increasingly more obvious comments on how my iPod looked like shit now. Fucking cock sucker. I hate people. Seriously. 

On a totally different note...

I want to race go-karts. Anyone else in? I'll kick all of your asses with my mad driving skills. Even better...we'll play real life mario kart. I'll bring the banana peels. 

Cheers! 

Dance Monkey!!!

Yeah, the title has no relevance to this at all. I don't really care. To be honest, I watched Curious George with the kids I was babysitting for on Saturday and it just really made me want a monkey...but a cartoon one...that likes playing peek-a-boo and paints pictures on my wall while Jack Johnson plays in the background....

Aaaaannnyyyyway....I'm bored as fuck right now. I should really go to bed. But I'm dumb and am going to stay up late anyway. I really don't have much to write about...so I'm going to keep going with the monkey thing and why I think having a pet monkey would be the fucking coolest thing ever. (and NO this is not going to be a rip off of the Dane Cook joke...even though having a monkey to fight with would be amazing...) 

Why having a monkey would be badass

1. Random dance parties: Think about it...you always see monkey's in movies dancing around in a little hat and vest with a big crowd of people around them. So instead picture this...you put the monkey in a fuzzy purple hat and elton john glasses, turn on the music and party it up. Now THAT would be a fuckin pimp monkey!!! Then when all of your friends came over, they'd be like "woah! no one here can dance better than monkey!" And then everyone would start having dance off's against monkey, and monkey would always win. Amazing. 

2. Protection: You know the evil monkey in Chris' closet on Family Guy? Fuck yeah. I would train my monkey to go fucking apeshit (haha) on anyone I didn't want in my house. When the person first came in, the monkey would just jump out from some random spot and do the evil point and stare. If that didn't work, he would fucking attack and beat the hell out of the guy...with a machete. 

Ok wow I'm tired...I'm finishing this tomorrow....even though it's retarded. Whatever. You've read this far already...maybe that means you'll come back and read the rest of my idiotic ramblings. Who knows. 

Cheers!